Oh My God I Live in England!

Hey do you have some music I can borrow?

2007-03-22T18:59:00.000Z

It is so sad when I see people on the train that cannot afford earphones and are forced to blast their music from their cell phones for the whole carriage to hear. We need to start a charity for these poor unfortunate slobs so we can be spared their crappy taste in music.

Quality

2007-03-22T18:52:00.000Z

If:

A lady comes up to you while you are walking home from the train station and says "I lost my train ticket and I need to pick my daughter up at daycare at quarter to...seven o'clock....quarter past seven" and asks for money to buy a new ticket

Please Note:

She does not have a daughter and did not have a ticket in the first place and is 15 minutes from the train station. She is in fact a crack addict.

I had my doubts when I first saw her but my suspisions were confirmed when a week later I saw her at the same place on her cell phone saying in a very whiney voice might I ad"of course I'm gonna sort my life out, just don't give any of that rehab shit"

Escape from the loo

2007-02-25T08:06:00.000Z

I'm not a prude or anything but when I'm trying to pee i don't want a strange man wandering outside my stall thank you very much. At least over here the stall doors overlap the surrounding edges so there are no gaps where people can see in. I was in the WOMEN'S bathroom at work two days ago when I heard our female administration manager walk in talking to a guy about measuring the bathroom for new furniture or something. She didn't bother to check if there were any people pooing just waltzed on in. Might as well just remove the door and put up a sign that says "Open House". I was just about to flush and ;eave when this happened so I just stood there in the stall and decided to wait them out.

Some girl in the stall next to me flushed and left and our manager said "Oh you don't mind a man being in here do you?" in a jokey way knowing the girl would say no problem. But the girl said "actually to be honest with you I do" SCORE in your face lady! only problem is now that the other girl left I missed my window of escape when I could have left and not had all eyes on me they would have been distracted by the other girl. DAMMIT!

Our manager and the guy kept chatting and they mentioned the girl in the other stall meaning me and they said a few things I couldn't hear and then he said "She probably wont come out till I leave" Ten minutes later i hadn't heard anything and the female cleaner walks in and no voices so I chanced it and left. Turns out I'd been standing in there 10 minutes longer than I had to because they'd left and I didn't hear the door shut. I felt like such a LOSER.

I think i'm missing a few pages.........

2007-01-19T13:29:00.000Z

Can someone please tell me why authors seem to think it's acceptable to not finish their books? I'm tired of reading great books that have no ending. I'm just left confused and annoyed after spending days engrosed in great writing wondering how they will end and then they don't. I suppose they are being "artistic" and mysterious so you have to think about the possible ways it could have ended or so you can interpret it anyway you want but it's just annoying ok A-NOY-ING!

What are we teaching our children?

2006-11-28T08:41:00.000Z

Have you seen this commercial? Well it may only be showing over here in England, but go look at the link and watch it. I was shocked when I first saw it and now every time I see it I want to throw something at the telly. Ok I get it if you‘re a company that sells make-up or beauty products you want to use the prettiest people you can find, it just makes sense, but this ad actually has the tag line of “It’s what’s on the outside that counts”

So not only are they saying “it doesn’t matter if you have a good personality, you can be a complete asshole as long as you look good” they also imply that it doesn’t matter if YOU think you look good, as long as OTHER people think you look good, cuz that’s what’s important.

I was DISGUSTED. As if there isn’t already too many commercials on TV, ads in magazines, on billboards, on bus stops, on the internet, in the newspapers, on product packaging, etc that shove unattainable airbrushed, photo shopped, implanted people in our face everyday, they had to go that one step further.

Shame on you Remington, shame on you.

Overheard conversation....

2006-11-07T10:45:00.000Z

in a Lebanese restaurant-

"The first time I had Lebanese wine I was being shot at"

Its even better when you know that it was said by someone who is a perfect stereotype of an older man in the British air Force. He is very posh and refined.

Almost an Opinion

2006-11-07T09:35:00.000Z

Reading my mom’s blog which led me to Marilyn's Shampoo’s blog about anti-American sentiment in Britain has got me thinking. I hadn’t really noticed any tension or weirdness where I live just outside London with me being American and all so it surprised me a bit t read her Blog,. Sometimes people make jokes and sarcastic comments about Bush or America but usually I agree so I guess I just didn’t see it asl anti Americanism and I still don’t and maybe it isn’t, but I do see how there is a bit of a light mist of anti-Americanism all over that tints things, but it’s very subtle. But keep in mind this is only my experience and it may be different elsewhere in the country. I find it hard to see the line between playful banter and where an –ism begins so maybe that has something to do with it.

Somehow all this led me to think of a slogan to defend myself in the unlikely event that someone did get all up in my face about being American (it’s a shame I will almost certainly never get to use it) which is “It’s where I’m from, not who I am”. But when you think about it in some ways it IS who I am because who we are is the sum of all our experiences and for the first 20 some years of my life my experiences were in America. This thought made me proud at the same time as made me frustrated because I don’t like being labelled. I make it a point not to join any religion or political party because I don’t want people to see that I am a member and assume I follow or believe EVERYTHING that the group as a whole says they do. And I realised that just by being born I am now a “member” of a group.

When I grow up I want to live in a ghetto

2006-09-21T20:53:00.000+01:00

Rob and I are currently home hunting and we have seen some places that are better than others and some that maybe needed a bit of paint or new carpet etc. But holy lord today we went to one that was truly GHETTO.

I think the door was homemade, and not by a carpenter either. The living room had no floor. I mean there was chipboard or something but there was no carpet or wood laminate just crappy dingy underfloor stuff. I was thinkin ok so we'd nee dto get some carpet no biggie then I went into the kitchen.

The sink was a big ceramic farmhouse jobbie and the taps were like pipes with tubes angled down or something I was freaked out dude. And then as I started walking upstairs I could smell this dusty, manky, gross I don't know what. Rob says it smelled like old people, but it didn't smell anything like my grandparents I LIKE the way my grandparents smell and this was not nice!

I think only the kitchen and the small bedroom had real flooring but I don't even care cuz I had decided NO as soon as I saw the kitchen.

Note for Em and Mom:

It smelled like the duplex the dodoos had us cleanout that one time. yeah GROSS! those are memories I don't need.

Even if I did iron.....

2006-09-21T20:49:00.000+01:00

I wouldn't iron that.

The tag on my underwear (I know like you wanted to know) says turn inside out for washing and ironing.
Ok
first of all who the fuck irons their underwear!
and second what the hell difference would it make if I turned it inside out to wash it?

Apparently my landlord sucks

2006-09-21T08:31:00.000+01:00

I just assumed (silly me) that when I see 20-30 worms on my ceiling that I have a problem. So I call up my landlord, and by landlord I mean the company that deals with housing for the people in the military as my husband is in the air force. I explain that we have worms on our ceiling and describe them and he checks his database or whatever and says that pest control will only come out for certain problems and he doesn't know what those worms are so and I quote "we can't help you". Ok I should say here that the man was very nice and he doesn't make the rules he just answers the phone, but for a minute or so I really felt like crying because what the hell am I gonna do about WORMS ON MY CEILING?

Um Hello how the hell am I supposed to know what kind of worms they are? dickheads. When we had an ant problem they didn't ask what kind of ants they just sent out a guy to deal with it. I'm sure if my electricity wasn't working they wouldn't ask why they would just send out a guy to fix it.

So I looked online and found a local pest control guy and phoned him up. He was very nice and helpful and tried to guess from my description what they were but he said it was hard to guess without seeing them so it turns out he only charges £25 to come check it out so that's what we did. Luckily he was more helpful than the stupid landlord people and helped us find the source and told us all about these Indian Meal Worms and how we could take care of the problem ourselves without having to pay him to do it! Bonus!

Tagliscious

2006-09-10T08:51:00.000+01:00

1) Are you happy/satisfield with your blog and with its content and look?

Yeah I think it looks pretty cool. I would like to be lass of a lazy ass and blog more often but that would require work on my part so no can do.

2) Does your family know about your blog?

Yep

3) Do you feel embarassed to let your friends know about your blog or do you just consider it a private thing?

Most of my friends know about it.

4) Did blogs cause positive changes in your thoughts?

Um I don't know. Some of them make me think which I think is a positive thing.

5) Do you only open the blogs of those who comment on your blog or do you love to go and discover more yourself?

I tend to only open blogs of my family and those who comment but that's mostly cuz I'm lazy.

6) what does visitor counter mean to you?

Nothing

7) Did you try to imagine your fellow blogger and give them real pictures?

not usually but I have on occasion

8) Do you think there is a real benefit in blogging?

Yes. sometimes getting your views out in the open is good for you and the people reading it. Other times just having a laugh with a funny post is good because the world pretty much sucks ass without laughter.

9) Do you think that bloggers’ society is isolated from the real world or it interacts with events?

I don't really have an opinion on this for 2 reasons. A) I'd have to decide on an opinion and I fear decision making. B) I don't have enough information on the subject and I'm too lazy to go get it.

10) Does criticism annoy you or do you feel it’s a normal thing?

I think it can be a good thing when done in the right way but I still hate hearing it.

11) Do you fear some of the political blogs?

No. I wouldn't want to write one though.

12) Were you shocked by the arrest of some bloggers?

Don't know anything about this so will have to respectfully decline to answer.

13) Do you think about what will happen to your blog after you die?

not until now. Morbid freak of nature asking this question! Um I suppose I hope it will still make people laugh and think.

14) What do you like to hear? What song would you link to your blog?

I totally agree with Melancholy Trolop on this one in that I'd have to constantly change it to match my mood and it would be far too much effort to do that!

Because cancer does NOT sound like fun

2006-08-27T21:33:00.000+01:00

You all should check out my hubby's latest blog about a fundraiser thing called Tacheback! It involves him looking silly and raising money for a good cause. Need I say more? NO I don't need to say more but as I am a girl I feel the need to always say more especially when I have had a few. Although I haven't had a few right now I am 100% sober. But you should still check out the blog here:
http://www.deathbyboobs.blogspot.com/

Bit of an overheard convo

2006-08-20T00:46:00.000+01:00

Ok this may only be funny to me because I was at a pub and drinking.

Man pretending to have a high pitched voice: But we don't own a swimming pool.
Other man using a real deep voice: Wanna Fuck?

Well it made me laugh.....

Food Diary Fun

2006-08-20T00:23:00.000+01:00

And by fun I mean writing down everthing you eat for a week then getting told it's all bad for you and you're fat. Ok so that's a bit of an exaggeration. I voluntarily decided to do the food diary and can stop whenever I want to. I just feel like a bad kid getting in trouble when she scrutinises everything I've eaten. Lucky me I scheduled another 20 minutes of fun for next Wednesday! It should be called the guilt diet as I feel guilty when I eat anything because I have to write it on the diary and explain myself at the end of the week. Basically:
NO

YES

Office Slut

2006-07-28T13:46:00.000+01:00

Well according to some people I'm the office slut. I found out on Wednesday that there are some people that think I slept with a guy that used to work here. At first I was totally shocked and then I just thought it was hilarious. My first rumor, I'm so proud. I don't care if people think it's true or not (just for the record it is not true). They don't like give me dirty looks or anything and they are actually sort of friends/work mates of mine. Plus I think it's only a handful of people in the yard (the fenced in bit next to the office where the men load trucks) that think it anyway.

The best Monday ever!

2006-07-28T13:40:00.000+01:00

I was walking to work last Monday when a man in a white van drives past going in the same direction as me and looks at me. I don't really think about it much and get on with my walking. Well when I get to the bottom of the hill I see that he has turned around and parked. His window is rolled down half way and he asks me over so I went over and he says
"Are you single?"
Me: "No"
White Van Man:"So you're happy"
Me:"yeah I'm married"

How awesome is that? It totally made my day!

BT you suck and so do you mister sun

2006-07-20T20:46:00.000+01:00

For two days now I've been at work with nothing to do because BT (British Telecom) haven't fixed the problem. It took them 6 hours just to show up on Wed and they didn't do any fixing all day today. That means I'll get to do 3 days of work on Friday, that is if it's fixed by tomorrow. Not only do we not have outside communications with email or phone at the moment but our 2 main databases (I spend 95% of my day on these normally) aren't working so all I could do was filing and that took about an hour. I feel sorry for our IT guy though because everybody and their brother came to him to ask what was going on and I heard him tell the same story to about 50 people today. I did get to overhear a cool conversation to the BT engineer where he totally ripped him a new one.

It has been reaching record temperatures over here which don't sound too impressive at 96.6F but that is the highest it's ever been in London and some days are really muggy. Plus we don't have air conditioning and even though I come from a desert and am used to summers that get up to 103F I am melting over here. I've taken to luke warm/cold showers and freezing damp towels to put on my neck. Fans do not cut it, man. I saw in the papers that some roads even melted.

Fresh Squeezed Communication....

2006-07-18T20:53:00.000+01:00

or not in this case. So apparently my boss isn't going to be my boss anymore, but who did I hear this news from? My boss? No, I heard it from the person who sits next to me at work. She was told this by my boss last Friday when he told her and the other lady I sit next to. Now my boss is only really a line manager to these two ladies and me. I guess I just don't need to know these things. What the HELL?

Apparently the position he's been interviewing for wasn't to "help" him as he told us but to "become" him. I don't really mind I suppose because I don't really like him, but it would have been nice to be told these things. My boss is on leave for two weeks and the new guy starts before he gets back so I guess he just wanted me to find out when the new guy came in and started telling me what to do. What a DICK!

And speaking of communication this fucking lady at work will not stop talking on her cell phone while on the goddamn toilet. You sit down to go pee and you hear "OK lovee i'll let you go." Only she doesn't stop talking AS SHE PEES!

People who will never be happy

2006-07-11T10:48:00.000+01:00

My friend just sent me an email about complaints that a UK package holiday company received (see below). These are the kind of people that will never EVER be happy no matter what. They need to find something to complain about.

Who would have thought a beach could be too sandy? Well, according to Thomas Cook in the UK some holidaymakers are just never satisfied. Here are the top ten most bizarre and genuine customer complaints received by the firm in recent years:

1 On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.

2 The beach was too sandy.

3 I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but he was too upset to use them as the fish frightened him.

4 It rained on my birthday.

5 Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.

6 I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.

7 It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned.

8 We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.

9 None of the hotel staff was English, and the tea didn't taste the same as at home.

10 I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort. It was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.

I'd gladly spend my holiday on a too sandy beach eating curry swimming with scary fish wearing fake designer sunglasses. Oh yeah and getting sloshed in the evenings. What the hell do these people expect. They are going to a different country not their own guestroom.

How do I help?

2006-06-02T08:21:00.000+01:00

Yesterday a friend of mine found out his sister died yesterday and I wish I could help him but don't think I can. I also feel selfish for thinking about myself when he's the one whose hurting. He's a typical guy and acts like he's ok but you can totally tell he's sad just because he acts slightly different. He will every once in a while make a comment about it or say something that lets you know he's sad.

He lost his wife 15 months ago and his aunt just a few months back, I can't even begin to imagine that pain. When he starts talking about someone he lost I encourage him to talk by asking questions about them, but I try not to bring it up as I don't want to make him sad.

With his latest loss I don't know whether to help him talk about it or help him forget it for a while. I figure that most people are helping him talk about it by aproaching him and begining the conversation so I have taken the other option for now. When I chat with him I don't bring it up I talk about the things I would normally talk about and I can make him smile and laugh sometimes. I think that may be just as important as talking about her death sometimes. Of course when he brings it up I listen and encourage him to talk.

So I hope I'm doing the right thing or at least not making it worse for him.

Yobs (trouble making kids)

2006-05-28T20:51:00.000+01:00

Rob and I went for a walk and went past this field where 2 teenage boys were sitting on a big pile of dirt because there is some sort of construction going on there. As we walk past I hear one of them shout "Weightwatchers.com". Real intelligent considering the fact that you're the one sitting on your ass and we're the ones on a walk. Dickhead.

Beauty

2006-05-24T16:23:00.000+01:00

I read this post http://melancholytrolop.blogspot.com/2006/05/faux-beautiful-people.html by my mother and it reminded me of a line from a show I watched a few nights back. This lady said (in a thick southern USA accent) "Every time I walk out my front door I win a beauty pageant". It has become my line of the week.

2006-05-22T19:59:00.000+01:00

As much fun as this sounds

I opted for the hair salon this time. It's been over 2 years since I went to the hairdressers so my hair needed it. I got 4-5 inches off for split ends. It was so nice having my hair washed it's like a head massage and the guy loved my hair, he kept saying what great color it was. He had his colleague come feel it as well and after he was done he said "I'm just gonna keep playing with it" and kept running his hands through it. I nearly fell asleep it was so relaxing.

Rain, Rain Go Away!

2006-05-22T19:36:00.000+01:00

So apparently it rains a lot in England and the sun has better places to be. Go figure! We had almost a week of lovely weather and now were paying for it with Rain and Wind. I may be investing in one of these soon.

Screamin Mimi

2006-05-19T19:00:00.000+01:00

Apparently the youngest son of our neighbors loves to scream and cry. He will stand outside his front door and just scream/cry for like 10 minutes. What the Hell? And I've witnessed this at least twice and our walls aren't soundproof or anything so we can hear him screaming in his room. He'll call for his parents and then as soon as they get there he starts yelling. Although I Don't know why I'm surprised at this because this is the same kid that decided it was a good idea to pee on our house a few months back.

Last episode of the monitor saga......

2006-05-19T18:55:00.000+01:00

Yeah so the monitor thing worked out ok and now we have one that works. The End

New Computer.... Almost

2006-03-08T22:30:00.000Z

I haven't blogged in forever. Ok by forever I mean like a month, but whatever. I think of things I want to write then think oh who cares about that or that's not funny, but today I'm thinking It's my goddamn blog so bite me!

So we just bought a new computer and they were supposed to deliver on Friday 24th of Feb at night after waiting a month for it already. We paid extra for night delivery as we both work. They called us and said there was a 24 hour delay so we had our old computer all taken down by Saturday noon only to find out on Sunday that by "24 hours" they actually meant "When we can be assed". As we didn't pay for weekend delivery we had to wait til Monday. We were woken up at 7:00 Monday morning to a parcel delivery guy with our computer.

Um Hello we paid EXTRA for EVENING delivery not 7:00 in the morning delivery that was cheaper. We were lucky the guy did our delivery first and we weren't at work yet. Then, it gets better, we found out they didn't include this attachment thing (I have no idea what it is my husband ordered it) or a gameport on it both of which we specifically called them about when ordering it and they assured us it would have. Well they couldn't do anything about the gameport but we didn't care because we no longer have a need for one and they said they would send the attatchment thing to us. Oh yeah and we also got a refund for the extrta delivery charge.

So Rob sets it all up and the monitor has one pixel that is always green and a spot half the size of the screen that looks like an oil spill. When we called them about it they said they provide "class 2" monitors and only replace them if 5 or more pixels are not working. What the hell what the fuck does class 2 mean (Apparently class 2 means piece of crap) and why does it not say that on your website? Bunch of dicks!

They told us we had to contact the monitor suppliers so we did and they said they had some in stock and would come exchange it on Wednesday. So along came Wednesday and Rob was waiting at home all day (it was the only midweek day he had off) and it turns out they lied they didn't have any in stock and didn't come exchange it. So we had to unpack and replug in the crap monitor and now we wait for them to really get some in stock and call us.

Ever have one of those days?

2006-02-15T21:02:00.000Z

Where was he when I needed a prom date?

For my sis

2006-02-02T19:36:00.000Z

I just found this funny picture of gnomes and had to post it for my sister. The site I got it from has some other cool stuff, you should check it out. http://www.choppersdomain.com/index.php
Another gnome, this one we saw in Wales the last time we went.

Fucking Dicks

2006-01-31T19:17:00.000Z

I hate people who are dicks. And obviously today was dick day at work. It's too complicated to go into detail on but trust me this guy I deal with at work, Michael, is a dick. Either that or he is just a fucking idiot. And it's not just him either theres a few more. Normally I just ignore stupid/dicklike people, but lately they have been making more work for me and that's when I have a problem. I ask him to do a simple, time consuming yes, but simple thing which he should have done in the first place and he goes and pretends to do it thus fucking up my day when I have to go and redo it. What a DICK! It's a good thing I only speak to him on the phone and emails because I don't think he would survive me meeting him in person. This dickish behaviour has been going on for about 8 months too. And what is with his emails. He sends me three or four word emails in all caps like he's yelling and it really gets on my tits. On top of being RUDE I find it unprofessional being as he works for a different company and he is just my contact there. The image of his company that he sends me with each email is " We are a bunch of 12 year olds that dropped out of elementary school" Not the kind of people I like to do business with but then again I don't have a choice it's my job.

Flippin' Sweet

2006-01-31T19:07:00.000Z

This weekend rocked because my Hubby is taking flying lessons and I got to go up in the plane with him and the instructor! It was a little 4 seater airplane and was actually quite roomy. We spent an hour doing circuits where you land then take off again immediately. I got some good pictures and a bit of video too. He went up to Hull (the town he is doing the flying in) on wednesday in the car and I took the train to meet him on Friday after work so that was cool as well. I hadn't ridden the train in a long while and there were three ladies sitting next to me that had northern accents and I LOVE northern accents so I was entertained the whole way there just by listening to them talk.

Last weekend was sweet as well because we went to Wales and we stayed in a farmhouse bed and breakfast. It was literally a farm with rooms for rent! There are sheep grazing on the roadside! How cool is that? The farm we stayed at had 5 dogs and one only had three legs. It was like we were in a movie or something.

Yeah so I just read over my post and realised I'm lame, but whatever. Shit happens.

Five weird habits

2006-01-22T20:33:00.000Z

Ok so my sister tagged me and now I have to write five of my weird habits because I have plenty more but I am limited to five. I am supposed to tag 5 more people at the end but I only know two people with blogs and she is one of them so I'm only tagging one person. I know I'm a party pooper blah blah blah...

1) Blaming everything on my husband. I don't actually believe everything is his fault but it makes me feel better to say it and he lets me do it so It's his fault because he's an enabler.

2) Constantly apologising.

3) I'm gonna have to go with the same number three as Homely Sex Therapist. And no there is nothing wrong with imagining every man kissing you at least that's what I tell myself to get through the day.

4) I stick my finger in my ear when noises bother me and I must look like a window licker*.

5) Calling my mother whenever anything I think is cool happens.

I am now tagging Professional Boob Tester

* Window licker- one who rides the short bus

Sucky Bathrooms

2006-01-22T20:27:00.000Z

Ok what is up with the dandruff? I just washed my hair 2 hours ago, it's not even dry yet and there are already flakes! By the way I washed with dandruff control shampoo! I suppose it doesn't help that my shower bites ass. It dribbles on you and my shampoo won't lather properly. When I'm a millionaire I am so designing the perfect bathroom and no one will be allowed in it, but me and the maid.

Ummm?? Rice cakes?

2006-01-07T17:56:00.000Z

So I am now back in England after a sweaty jaunt across the ocean. We made it safely and that I am thankful for but it wasn't the best flight I've ever had.

Tip # 59 of flying home for Christmas: Think twice about ordering special meals as you may live to regret it.

A long time ago when booking our flight I thought I'd go for the special low cholesterol meal, hey why not I'll get my food first and it won't be leading to my demise. On the way to the states I got a pretty tasty meal with margerine instead of butter and sweeteners not suger etc, but for some reason on the way back the meal had changed to rice cakes. Umm excuse me? Rice cakes. I might as well have just eaten my seat cushion flotation device, it would have tasted the same. I probably could've handled the rice cake if it was one of the flavored ones, but no it was the straight up styrofoam kind.

However on a positive note my hubby faired better in the meal department. He has to order the fruit platter every time because he is allergic to tomatoes and that is the only meal that is guarenteed not to have them. So usually this is sucky for him because he doesn't Hate fruit but only wants a bit then he needs some meat and potatoes, however when they brought us the second meal they accidentally gave him a regular one and it had a ham and cheese sandwich so he could eat it. See it's not all bad in the world of airline food.

Tip # 37 of flying home for Christmas: Don't pack everything you own because you won't use all that shit!

So we had one last night out with my Sis before we left the country. We ate at the Sawtooth Grill then on to see Narnia, that movie Rocked!! The next morning we ate way too much at Molly's and carted all our earthly possesions to the airport. Luckily all our luggage has wheels. When we got into London the taxi we called was only just big enough to cram all our crap into, but we made it.

Tip # 108 of flying home for Christmas: Wear slip-on shoes that do not have metal in the heal you stupid idiot!

On the way to the states I thought I was being smart by wearing slip on shoes only to realise that they made me beep at every security door because of metal heals. Way to go shitbox! They never told me to take them off untill after they made me beep so on the way back I wore my trainers*. This too turned out to be not a brilliant idea as they "recommeded" to everyone at each security gate that you take them off and put them on the conveyor belt, so we had the lovely task of trying to collect our items and get out of eveyones way at the same time as tying our shoes!

Tip # 62 of flying home for Christmas: Take a gas mask with you on the plane because if someone farts it fucking reeks!

Oh My God we were just sitting there breathing normally when an SBD darts up our noses and we nearly passed out. I mean I was hoping those masks would drop from the ceiling or something cuz DAMN it was strong. And not just the once, no 3 fucking times man. Stick your ass out the window for god's sake planes have RECYCLED air!

That's all I have the energy to sarcastically whinge** about for now.

* Trainers = Tennis Shoes or running shoes
** Whinge = Whine or complain

Gorillas in the mist

2005-12-16T15:11:00.000Z

And by "the mist" I mean at the airport and by "in" I mean trampling all over my luggage. My flight was fine and I didn't have any problems connecting or anything. But when I got my bags at myh final destination I found that the said gorillas had found it in their hearts to run over my bag with the airplane (or at least that's what I assume by looking at the state of the zipper). My lock has dissapeared and the zipper has been mangled, but it still zips so they probably won't give me any compensation.

Whatever, anyway I don't have any real problem with the state of the bag so much as the fact that the coolest pressie I got for someone THE COOL-EST was a victim of the gorilla trampling too. Luckily the amazing power of superglue was able to piece together the 9 shards of gnome and with some extensive physical therapy he may go on to lead a normal life.

Gnome-licious

2005-12-13T08:30:00.000Z

For all you Gnome lovers out there here is a gnome that I came across in my travels and thought you may want to take a look at it. He is well taken care of in a terraced home in East Yorkshire. As you can see by the smile on his face. He earns his keep by guarding the plant behind him. This little fellow is of the pot holding (and possibly smoking) variety and rather small at about 3 inches tall. His friends all live outdoors in the back garden but I'm sure he visits often.

No more work!

2005-12-12T17:14:00.000Z

Only 1 day till I fly to the states and I can see my Sister! Today was my last day at work and I left at 2:00. I don't have to do any work until 2006. I am all packed and ready to go. I'm taking pretty much all the clothes that I own and one suitcase has only pressies in it. All the stress is over now I an just sit back and enjoy the flight and Christmas!

Christmas

2005-11-29T23:35:00.000Z

Only 14 days until I go home for Christmas!! I'll be at my parent's for almost a month and I can't wait. It's over a year since I was back and I am so excited to see my family again. I will spend three weeks being lazy and eating breakfast at Shari's restaurant and visiting family and sleeping in and watching movies and playing with my huge dog and doing anything that isn't work! It's gonna be FANTASTIC!

My hubby will fly out a week after me and it will be a big happy Christmas! We won't get dressed all day, we will stay in our jim jams and drink hot cocoa and rip open pressies* and listen to Christmas music and laugh and take piccies** and kiss and eat pancakes and sausage and eggs for breakfast with loads of syrup and act like KIDS because that's what we are and will always be in our minds.

*Presents
**Pictures

My new friend with giant knockers...

2005-11-29T17:23:00.000Z

Well, life is a funny thing... you start to think that you're all alone in the boob fanaticism department then you get invited to join a fellow hooter officionado's blog!

Thank you american nympho... And may I say what an impressive rack you have (And the results of boob testing were inconclusive... I suggest a more thorough examination is in order).

Boobs away!

My Saturday

2005-11-27T17:40:00.000Z

This is me, well what I would look like if I was a stuffed cow. I am posting this photo so I can link it to my profile, but while I'm at it I may as well tell you about my weekend. I spent a lovely Saturday shopping! I actually had money, Hallelujah, so I took the tube* to Uxbridge** and wandered about for 4 hours. I actually managed to find some clothes that were in my size that didn't look like they were

A) From the eighties

B) For my grandmother

C) UGLY as SHIT!

and bonus they were ON SALE!

Yeah I know I almost had an orgasm in the store. So I bought them and we lived happily ever after.

*The "Tube" is the underground train network in London

**Uxbridge is a town on the outskirts of London

I Totally Live in England

2005-11-26T05:27:00.000Z

I'm what you might call a "Mail order bride". Ok so I'm not, but it made you want to keep reading didn't it? I'm American by birth but British by heart (and marriage). I left the rolling tumbleweeds of my homeland and flew over 4,000 miles to marry a Brit. It's amazing what can happen when you stop thinking. So anyway I guess I'll use these blogs to complain about/praise living in England.